The Fairest One of All

The first time I held Charlie up so he could see the baby in the mirror, I looked at his face in the mirror and saw his delight, and then turned my eyes to my own reflection and saw a mask of horror.

When we look at our fair Charlie, our brains sort of resolve the asymmetry of his face. To see him in the mirror is to see the asymmetry reflected backwards and therefore doubled. Charlie looked so disturbing in the mirror, I cried. I was so scared that he would one day look at himself in the mirror and have a startling realization and feel awful about the way he looks.

Fortunately (as Langer Loksh readers have by now noticed) I have no filter between my brain and my mouth (or my typing fingers) so I told the craniofacial doctors about my experience with the mirror. They erased my fear by explaining that the way we see Charlie face-to-face is the way he sees himself in the mirror. His reflection will look normal to him. He may, however, feel strange about the way he looks in photographs--that view, to him, will be the opposite of what his brain is used to processing.

Sometimes Charlie looks unremarkable in photographs. Other times he looks really crooked. It has to do with the camera angle and the expression on his face. I find it's best if he's smiling, but not too hard. Tonight I took this picture of Jeff's mom giving all three of her grandchildren a horsey ride on her legs at one time. (Notice the positioning of the children. It is not happenstance. If Charlie were behind Nosara, he would be grabbing her by the ears, nose, and hair in an attempt to shove her entire head in his mouth. And if he were any closer to Summer, he would snag himself a hank of her hair too. We have learned these facts the hard way.)

As you can see, Charlie is experiencing unadulterated joy. He is smiling with abandon, bless him, so his facial paralysis appears more prominent than usual. This is the perfect expression of my bittersweet emotion. He is so happy, which makes me so happy, but he looks just a little bit strange, and that's just a little bit painful.

Comments

[John Caulfield]

Hi Jill:
We went to high school together
I saw Jeff Z and he told me about
your site.
Your son looks amazing and the work
your doing is amazing.
I think its important to be
a pro active parent.
I keep in touch

thanks
j caulfield