I am the proud(?) owner of a Kirby vacuum cleaner. Perhaps you have not heard of the Kirby. I had not either, until a Kirby salesman called me up and told me my friend Martha had given him my name as a person who might appreciate a free demonstration. And because I suffer so hideously from sinus allergies and am in an escalating nuclear arms race with the dust mites, I said yeah.
On the November day that the guy came to my house, Summer was two and a half and terrified of vacuums. He was at my house for hours; Summer sat in the big rocking chair in her room, tears streaming down her face. I bought the vacuum. It cost, and I am not exaggerating, a thousand dollars.
It is a cleaning marvel. Sure it can suck the dust mites right out of your mattress! It even has a carpet shampooing system. It has many attachments including the trademarked Zippbrush; the Crevice Tool, ideal for those gritty, unreachable spaces inside your car; the Portable Sprayer, and the Massage Cup, which my friend Martha uses to vacuum hair directly off of her dog's body. Heck, it has a headlight.
Problem is, it is made of steel and weighs many hundreds of pounds and even though I used the ergonomically correct hoisting handle to carry it during the nesting phase of my pregnancy, I'm pretty sure that's why Charlie came out five weeks early. Also, it is so powerful that it sucks our Oriental rugs right off the floor, which means I can only vacuum the living room when Jeff is home to stand on the corners of the rugs, and trust me, when Jeff gets home from a long hard day of standing around and pointing, the last thing he wants to do is play human paperweight. Finally, after Charlie came we hired a cleaning lady who brings her own, totally normal vacuum that probably only weighs 10 pounds and seems to do the job. So I really don't use the Kirby very often.
Our primary goal for the week, however, is to clean the slipcover of our couch, which has these super nasty head grease stains, and of our chair-and-a-half, which features a thick coating of the cat's DNA. So I busted out the Portable Sprayer after I put the kids to bed. Then I busted out the manual, and it says I shouldn't use the carpet shampoo on fabric-covered furniture, which is not what the guy told me, so I think I'm going to have to call the guy during business hours tomorrow.
Summer came down the stairs just now as I was standing there with the Portable Sprayer and asked me to shut her closet door because she could not sleep with it open because of the monsters in there. I have been waiting for her to get scared of monsters so I could employ the fantastic concept of monster spray that I have read about in parenting magazines, and lo! I had in my hand the most expensive monster spray on the market. Sweet dreams, Summer. You have been saved by your very worst fear: the vacuum.
Comments